The 25 best funny marriage quotes

Funny marriage quotes are great for all sorts of occasions, from making toasts to giving advice, to simply making us laugh. They also open our eyes to the essentials of things like communication in marriage and balancing individual desires with your spouse’s needs. Talking about marriage and love is as old as…well, talking! So there’s lots of good material out there.

If you follow @po2marriage on twitter you probably know I love to tweet funny marriage quotes. They tend to get to the heart of marriage problems and blessings in only 140 characters. One thing I’ve noticed while researching quotes for sharing is that there are a lot of really bad funny marriage quotes. I mean quotes that get their humor from playing on stereotypes and bad assumptions about married life, in-laws, wives, children and husbands. When we retell these jokes and quotes, we subtly reenforce the logic behind them–logic that is actually destructive to marriage. Take this quote, for example:

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

There are a lot of quotes and jokes like this out there. They are funny, but negative. They all have the same message: that marriage is the end of any happiness you have, that it is endless and inevitable suffering and that smart people don’t get married. In this way, a disturbing worldview is embedded in these jokes. Mindset is a large predictor of what will indeed happen in your life (Dr. Heitler wrote a great article about it). Sometimes I wonder if our high divorce rate is partly due to these negative  expectations–they becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you are choosing some funny marriage quotes to say during a wedding toast, stay away from these kinds of jokes. Not because the bride and groom will take them seriously and be offended, or because they aren’t funny (the “suffer-ring” line is clever!); but because the best wedding gift you can give the couple is a message of a positive and loving future.

Here are my top 25 funny marriage quotes and wedding sayings (not ranked):

  1. “A happy marriage has in it all the pleasures of friendships, all the enjoyment of sense and reason – and indeed all the sweets of life.” ~ Joseph Addison
  2. “A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.” ~ anonymous
  3. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” ~ Toni Sciarra Poynter
  4. “Spouse: someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.” ~ Anonymous
  5. “We don’t love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.” ~ Jacques Maritain
  6. “Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.” – Samuel Johnson
  7. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin
  8. “The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.”  ~Peter De Vries
  9. “To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart – about a finger’s breadth – for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.”  ~Marnie Reed Crowell
  10. “A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.” ~ Ingrid Bergmen
  11. “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.”  ~Simone Signoret
  12. “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” ~ Anne Taylor Fleming
  13. “Woke up in bed with a gorgeous woman, who I’m going to have lunch and the rest of my life with.” ~ Jason Barmer
  14. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” ~ Albert Einstein
  15. “One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.” ~ Judith Viorst
  16. “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.  The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” ~ Robert Anderson, Solitaire & Double Solitaire
  17. “In the opinion of the world, marriage ends all, as it does in a comedy.  The truth is precisely the opposite:  it begins all.” ~ Anne Sophie Swetchine
  18. “A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity.  The order varies for any given year.” ~ Paul Sweeney
  19. “Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage.” ~ Finnish Proverb
  20. “A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.” ~ James H. Boren
  21. “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths.  No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” ~ Mark Twain
  22. “Our wedding was many years ago.  The celebration continues to this day.” ~ Gene Perret
  23. “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” ~ Andre Maurois
  24. “There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.” ~ Martin Luther
  25. “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.” ~ Robert Fulghum, True Love

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8 Responses to “The 25 best funny marriage quotes”


  • Great list of quotes. Just wanted to add a couple more:

    When Billy Graham was asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, “Ruth and I are happily incompatible.” ~Billy Graham

    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1) Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. 2) Whenever you’re right, shut up. ~Patrick Murra

    It’s easy to understand love at first sight, but how do we explain love after two people have been looking at each other for years? ~Anonymous

    Married couples who love each other tell each other a thousand things without talking. ~Chinese Proverb

    • Those are good ones too, thanks for contributing! Happily incompatible is an interesting concept. We have to get along with our spouse’s flaws and idiosyncrasies as well as what we like about them. In that sense, we do have to be compatible in our incompatibilities!

  • Please also add these list.

    Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

  • Please also add this one : Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx

    • This is funny…and at the same has a slightly negative undertone like I was talking about at the beginning. What do you think?

  • Happily incompatible haha thats good one.. describe the odd of my relationship. Me too happily incompatible. I feel odd that i choose the one incompatible more then the one im compatible with.

    • I am so interested to hear about your experiences. Why didn’t you choose to be with the person you felt you were more compatible with? What qualities about him turned you away, and what ones drew you to your current relationship?

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