Archive for the 'Marriage Q&A' Category

Should I get married? 9 questions to ask yourself.

Posted on April 15, 2013 in categories: Marriage Prep/Engagement and Marriage Q&A. 0 Comments

Should I get married? Yes! I love him so much! I can’t imagine life without her…

Marriage is a big commitment–in fact, it’s one of the biggest commitments we can make in our lives. Is he/she “the one”? Are you ready?

Ultimately, no one can answer that but yourself. Not your parents, not friends, not marriage experts or writers like me. Here are 9 important questions to ask yourself that can help you answer the question “Should I get married?” Many of these are based on statistics that predict successful marriage or divorce.

1. Am I hoping marriage will save my relationship?

Marriage–the legal/religious ceremony and status–will not “fix” anything. It will not make you and your partner stop arguing. It won’t make you happy. You have to do this yourself. Writer Tracy Moore puts this well:

“Marriage is just a framework. Everything about the way it goes comes down to the two people in it and how they face the challenges that befall them.

There are things, to be sure, about making it harder to leave a relationship that will influence the way you work on the relationship. Committing for life provides a framework for doing the heavy lifting over the long-term in a way that a casual relationship wouldn’t. But in either situation, people can be for the notion of working it out no matter what or not. It’s not marriage that creates (or more importantly, keeps) this promise. It’s people.“

Any problems you have in your relationship or elsewhere should be addressed separately from and perhaps before thinking about “Should I get married?” should I get married

2. Have we discussed the “big stuff”?

Even if you and your partner have incredibly compatible personalities, you also need to share a common vision for the future. Before getting married you should discus:

Kids: How many? When? Will you adopt? What religion or traditions will you raise them with?
Where you want to live?
Finances: Do you want to pool money or have a separate bank account? How do you approach finances?
Perceptions of marriage: Do you believe in traditional gender roles or certain religious precepts about marriage?
Family: Will you live near or with in-laws? Which ones? Are there problems with your potential in-laws?
Individual plans: What are your individual hopes and dreams? Travel? Going back to school?

Marriage means forever blending your lives together. It is not a good idea if you have quiet different ideas or goals for the future or married life. This is one of the saddest reasons for ending a relationship. You may love this person very much; but the answer to “should I get married to this person?” is, unfortunately, no. should I get married

Should I get married? Only you can decide.

3. Have I seriously addressed my doubts?

Every bride and groom gets nervous before the wedding, and some are still asking themselves “Should I get married?” before their vows. Pre-marital jitters don’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t get married. Rather, they are important clues to underlying issues in your relationship. Pay attention to them! Your intuition is a powerful tool. Examine each one and use them as a guide to addressing any problems that should be fixed before marrying. You’ll save yourself a lot of hassle later on by nipping potential problems in the bud.

4. How do you disagree?

Interestingly, the frequency of disagreements in your marriage is not a predictor of divorce. However, how you disagree is. Couples who escalate arguments and use personal attacks, ridicule, sarcasm or avoidance are highly likely to divorce, as well as have a toxic marriage full of contempt and resentment.

Successful couples know how to defuse and de-escalate tense situations. During disagreements they keep their words gentle and quickly give a compliment, make a joke, or make a physical connection when tension starts to build. If you or your partner call each other names, accuse each other or insult each other, try couples counseling such as Power of Two to get the skills for productive and positive problem solving. These skills can be learned! And it’s a good idea to do so before you get married.

6. Is he/she conscientious?

Conscientiousness in a spouse is a predictor of good health later in life, even more strongly than your own personality traits. Someone who is conscientious is also likely empathetic, meaning they are able to see things from your point of view. Pick a mate who truly does care about you and how you feel, and you’ll have found a good life partner. should I get married

7. Has he/she ever shown any signs of violence or controlling behavior?

Has your boyfriend or girlfriend even done any of the following?

Told you where you where, when or what you could do
Tried to limit your contact with friends and family
Told you and made you think you are a crazy, worthless, or a terrible person
Mocked or insulted you in front of others
Been cruel/violent towards animals or children
Taken money from you or tried to control your finances
Threatened you with violence, withholding of love/intimacy, or leaving
Harmed you physically in any way
Made you feel guilty or scared at the idea of leaving him/her
Put you in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation despite your pleas to stop (i.e. driving at unsafe speeds)

All these behaviors are signs of emotional, psychological or physical abuse. If you have every experienced any of these, or discovered your partner’s past abusive behavior, seek professional help and leave the relationship as soon as possible. Abusers’ first step is to wear down the self-esteem and independence of their victims — he or she may make marriage seem like your only option or that it will fix everything. Do not marry this person. Abusive behavior only worsens and becomes more dangerous to escape from with time. See our article on abusive relationships for more info.

8. Is he/she open to change and willing to work on marriage issues?

All marriages have problems. Some you just have to live with (nobody is perfect!) and others will require real work. Luckily, even the most intense problems can be overcome if you and your spouse are both willing and committed to change. If your partner shows no willingness or interest in admitting to and working on his or her part, you probably shouldn’t marry this person.

9. Do you want to get married?

A better question than “Should I get married?” is, do you–and just you–actually want to get married? Or do you feel you should get married because:

All your friends are getting married
Your partner really wants to
Your parent/family wants or expects you to
It seems like the right thing to do at your age
You’re not sure what else to do right now
You want to be considered an adult

These are not necessarily bad reasons. In fact, they are part of many people’s considerations in deciding “should I get married?” At the same time, none of them should be the primary reason why you are getting married. You should get married only because you truly want to and believe it is the right thing for your life at this time.

10. Should I get married? Go for it!

Should I get married? Marriage is a big decision and it’s easy to get caught up in making sure all your reasons are perfect and that he or she is truly “the one.” In the end, listen to your gut. Logically, he could be the perfect person to marry. At the same time, if you don’t feel a spark of connection now, or if you are already bored or disillusioned with your partner, marrying him, however logical, is not the right thing to do.

Know that no matter who you marry, you’ll have good times and bad. Pick a spouse who will be a good partner in facing all of life’s challenges and adventures. Someone who you can image growing and changing and problem-solving with. Someone who will challenge you and also support you. Someone who gives you lots of compliments and her undivided attention when you need it.

We’re all just figuring this out as we go along. Millions of couples have come before you and have wondered, feared, and dreamed about the same things–and nobody has ever been 100% sure of how it will all turn out. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Go for it!

Categories: Marriage Prep/Engagement and Marriage Q&A

The increasing danger of reconnecting with ex lovers online

Posted on April 8, 2013 in categories: Infidelity, Marriage in the News, Marriage Q&A, Naomi and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Social media is wonderful for keeping in touch with friends and family. At the same time, there is one category of person that you should not be reconnecting with-ex flames. Facebook has made it incredibly easy to indulge in nostalgia and look up people from the past. The Australian magazine The Age recently delved into the near-epidemic of social media-inspired affairs with the article “First love, the second time around.”

Nostalgia drives social media searches

Most people do not reach out to past romantic partners consciously looking for an affair–yet this is what often happens. Old flames hold strong sway over our hearts, triggering powerful and deep-set emotions related to desire, regret and attachment. Relationships that occurred during teenage years seem to be especially powerful. Continue reading ‘The increasing danger of reconnecting with ex lovers online’

Categories: Infidelity, Marriage in the News, Marriage Q&A, Naomi and Uncategorized

How to stay in love: secrets from Britain’s longest married couples

Posted on November 27, 2012 in categories: Marriage in the News, Marriage Q&A and Naomi. 2 Comments

Who is the ultimate example of how to stay in love and cultivate a healthy marriage for a lifetime? Those who have actually done it! Karam and Katari Chand just celebrated their 87th wedding anniversary, making them Britain’s oldest married couple. The two have been through a lot together and still claim they are deeply in love. They shared their insights on how to stay in love with an interviewer from British dating website Zoosk. Here are a few gems of wisdom from the couple: Continue reading ‘How to stay in love: secrets from Britain’s longest married couples’

Categories: Marriage in the News, Marriage Q&A and Naomi

Marriage and taxes: 7 tips for newlyweds

Posted on August 15, 2012 in categories: Marriage Prep/Engagement, Marriage Q&A, Money and Marriage and Naomi. 2 Comments

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come taxes! If you’re one of the thousands of new couples married this spring and summer, get ready to embark on the adventure of marriage and taxes. The federal government provides many financial benefits to married couples, an it can be a little confusing how to go about getting them. Here’s a rundown of who your need to update on your new marital status and how to do it.

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1. Social Security Administration One of the most essential things for marriage and taxes is to make sure you name and social security number match. If you’ve changed your name after getting married, be sure to alert the Social Security Administration. How: File Form SS-5, Application for a Social Security Card. The form is available on SSA’s website www.ssa.gov, by calling 800-772-1213, or visiting a SSA office. Continue reading ‘Marriage and taxes: 7 tips for newlyweds’

Categories: Marriage Prep/Engagement, Marriage Q&A, Money and Marriage and Naomi

Am I depressed? Solving marriage problems through mental health.

Posted on May 18, 2012 in categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Depression, Emotional Regulation, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage Q&A and Naomi. 0 Comments

Have you ever wondered, “Am I depressed?” Most people will experience depression at some point in their lives. At the same time, many people may feel the symptoms of depression without knowing it. Depression is a sliding scale of emotions, thoughts, actions and chemical imbalances in the brain–it can be a mild sense of being “off” to a debilitating experience. Signs of depression include:

Lack of energy/physical fatigue
No longer enjoying activities
Feelings of hopelessness
Feeling an indescribable “dark cloud”
Changes in appetite and/or weight
Increased irritability and other personality changes
Crying and unexplained sorrow

If you feel any of these for a period of a week or longer, it’s a good time to ask yourself “Am I depressed?” Recognizing depression is the first step to addressing it. The second step is understanding where depression comes from. A marriage can be both the trigger and victim of depression. This is the story of Bonnie, a real patient of Dr. Heitler:

Bonnie is a stay at home mom of two young children. She is a strong, creative woman who enjoys spending time with her kids and is usually very positive and energetic. Lately she has been feeling tired and has a hard time being enthusiastic about anything. She finds herself criticizing herself: “Your house is so messy,” “Why can’t you keep track of anything,” “You look old and worn out.” She is uncharacteristically snappy and irritated with her children.

One night she and her husband have an argument. She is unhappy that he works so late at his new job and comes home too tired to interact with her. She is so excited to see him and she feels abandoned. Her husband snaps back: “I’m doing this to support the family! I can’t risk asking for fewer hours. When I come home, you hover over me and the kids are so worked up…I need to relax, I can’t take it.” Bonnie drops the subject.

Interestingly, Bonnie hadn’t wondered “Am I depressed?” while experiencing these dark times. Is Bonnie depressed? Yes. Is she depressed because she feels abandoned and she’s fighting with her husband? Well..yes and no. Depression, Dr. Heitler reveals, comes from an imbalance of power. We feel depressed when we feel powerless. In Bonnie’s case, part of her depression stems from feeling powerless over her lonely situation. Her husband has dominated the conversation, while she defers to him in a submissive role.

Depression is a common result of dominant-submissive conflict resolution. Many people believe that an argument is resolved when you have a winner and a looser. This comes from the mistaken idea that

Am I depressed? Depression comes in many forms

power is the same thing as control–having control over another person. In fact, power is the ability to get what you want, but not by definition at the expense of those around you. Truly powerful people are able to reach satisfying solutions that also satisfy others–win-win solutions.

In reality, when you solve a conflict with a clear “winner” and “looser,” you don’t solve anything. Especially in marriage, a pattern of winning and loosing will lead to depression in the submissive spouse. It simply causes more problems.

To help Bonnie get the the root of her power imbalance, Dr. Heitler used a visualization experiment. You can try this, too.

First she asked Bonnie, “If you could be angry at anybody right now, who would it be?”

“My husband,” Bonnie replied.

“Close your eyes and image the last argument you had with your husband. Picture you two together. Now, who seems bigger.”

“My husband,” Bonnie replied again. “He’s huge. He’s towering over me.”

“Ok, now I wan’t you to look up in this scene and see above you a light powder sprinkling down on you. It could be green, or gold, or like snowflakes. As it falls on you, you find yourself growing, like Alice in Wonderland. Tell me when you’ve stopped growing.”

“Ok, I’ve stopped”

“And where are you now? How big are you.”

“I’m towering over him, at least four times as big.”

“Now that you’re so big, you can look down and see things you couldn’t see before. What can you see about him now?

Bonnie reflected for a minute. “He’s all puffed up. He’s not really that big, he’s puffing himself up like pufferfish.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s scared…and he’s covered his ears because he doesn’t want to hear what I’m saying”

“Why is he scared?”

Bonnie thought again. “He’s scared because he thinks that I’m telling him he’s a bad person. But I’m not, I know he’s a good person. I know he works late because he feels anxious about supporting the family.”

Knowing this, Bonnie was able to have another kind of conversation with her husband. This time, she brought it up delicately, talking about her feelings and clarifying how much she respected and appreciated him. Together, they came to a surprising solution. Bonnie is a highly educated woman with a lot of energy and drive, and she realized that staying home all day with the kids wasn’t stimulating enough. She was feeling bored and frustrated, which contributed to her feelings of powerlessness and led her to get worked up when her husband came home. Bonnie decided to go back to work part time. She found she was excited to see the kids again after her morning’s work, and less frantic about seeing her husband when he came home. Also, the extra income she brought in allowed her husband to be more assertive about setting limits for his hours at work.

Power embalances in marriage can come from one spouse being domineering through aggressive behavior and, in the worst case scenario, violence and insults. Or, as in Bonnie’s case, it can come from the one spouse deferring and “giving up” (this becomes easier the more depressed he/she already is). Usually the truth has aspects of both.

Just as both spouses contribute to the depression of one, both must be part of finding a solution. Whether or not your answer to “Am I depressed?” directly involves marriage problems, it is imperative that you go to joint counseling as part of the treatment. It may surprise you that getting individual counseling for depression leads to a higher chance of divorce. Your counseling sessions should give you the tools to find the root of the problem and move through it, while providing skills to face similar problems down the road. Remember, you and your spouse are a team! That is a huge strength. Working through depression in marriage will leave your marriage stronger, wiser, and closer.

Categories: Collaborative Decision Making, Depression, Emotional Regulation, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage Q&A and Naomi

Should I get a divorce? 5 reasons to go and 5 reasons to stay.

Posted on March 22, 2012 in categories: Depression, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, Infidelity, Intimacy, Marriage Q&A, Naomi and Positivity. 2 Comments

Have you ever wondered, “Should I get a divorce?” Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your marriage problems spell doom for your union, or, if it is possible—and worth it—to salvage your marriage. Power of Two is founded on the principle that most divorces can be prevented by learning the skills for strong, healthy marriages. At the same time, some relationships have toxic and dangerous elements that make divorce the best option for everyone involved. These behaviors can be hard to face, and they should never be ignored.

The following are Dr. Heitler’s “Top Five reasons to Divorce”:

Your spouse is controlling. He/she attempts to manipulate you and/or control your friends, activity, behavior or money by the use of threats, put-downs, criticism, excessive guilt or anger.
Your spouse has cheated repeatedly. One infidelity does not necessarily spell doom—with lots of work, your marriage can recover and be stronger than ever. However, repeated affairs mean your spouse unlikely to change his ways no matter what.
There are unaddressed addictions. You should consider leaving if your spouse has damaging problems with gambling, drugs, alcohol, or other behavior and refuses or continues to avoid getting treatment.
There is an unaddressed mental disorder. Many couples live with mental disorders and have strong marriages. At the same time, if your spouse refuses to get treatment for a damaging or dangerous disorder, you should consider ending your marriage. It is the best for both of you.
Your spouse is violent with you or others, or mistreats children. This is the most resounding “YES” to the question “Should I get a divorce?” Remove yourself and your children from this situation immediately and seek professional help.

The good news is the most common reasons for divorce these days are not the ones above—and this means they are fixable!

“Should I get a divorce?…“ Consider couples counseling over divorce if the following sounds like you:

We just don’t communicate very well and can’t seem to resolve our conflicts. Communication and conflict resolution difficulties are the most common complaints of divorcing couples. Luckily, they are also simplest to change. You can learn the skills to handle these problems at any time and they will help you in all areas of life, from your spouse to in-laws to the office.
I just don’t love him anymore. Love is a cornerstone of marriage and feeling “out of love” can be frustrating and confusing. At the same time, the quality of love is constantly changing; sometimes hot and passionate, other times a cool, subtle bond. Do you really not love each other at all? Passion, intimacy and positivity can be revived!
Because it’ll be better for the kids. It’s true that having fighting parents is hard on kids. At the same time, so is divorce. Also, if you keep fighting while you’re divorced, it’s still bad. The solution? Learn to stop the fighting. Marriage education can help you replace your arguments with positive dialogue and win-win problem solving!
He/she’s just not the same person I married. We all change and grow as we go through life together. What’s important is knowing how to support each other on our personal journeys. Counseling can teach couples how to turn differences into powerful tools instead of a source of marriage problems.
I don’t trust him/her anymore. He lied and made a stupid deal, she gambled or cheated… Sometimes people do make mistakes. At the same time, most mistakes are repairable. Get the skills to analyze your errors and prevent future repeats. Sometimes the sourer the lemon, the sweeter the lemonade.

In the old days, and in many places still, divorce is a difficult, lengthy process that is highly stigmatized. This has the potential to trap spouses, especially women, into dangerous and unhappy marriages that fall into the category of good reasons to divorce, listed above. So, in many ways, it’s a good thing that we can quickly leave marriages we are uncomfortable in.

At the same time, this gives us the responsibility to think about our choices very carefully. And I don’t mean to imply that anyone takes divorce lightly! It’s just that marriage isn’t easy, and divorce is not necessarily the answer to your marriage problems. Consider this: If you don’t learn the skills for a healthy relationship now, you are likely to find yourself in the same situation with simply a different person in the future.

If you feel your marriage getting rocky, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist or try a program like Power of Two. Problems are solved most easily when they’re caught early. And it certainly never hurts!

From an interview with Dr. Heitler, 10/11

Categories: Depression, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, Infidelity, Intimacy, Marriage Q&A, Naomi and Positivity

Posted on March 11, 2011 in categories: Blogger Reviews of PO2, Collaborative Decision Making, Communication, In the Press, Interviews and Marriage Q&A. 0 Comments

Psych Central just posted an article about communication pitfalls featuring Power of Two founder Dr. Susan Heitler.

Here’s the top 5 pitfalls list.

Not knowing the rules
Aiming for compromise
Playing pin the tail on the donkey
Letting escalating emotions take over
Thinking that marriage is like walking

Got you curious? Here’s the article. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/5-communication-pitfalls-and-pointers-for-couples/

Want the good news? You can learn how to communicate like a pro with a Power of Two Online membership.

Categories: Blogger Reviews of PO2, Collaborative Decision Making, Communication, In the Press, Interviews and Marriage Q&A

How to ask for change… without pissing off your spouse.

Posted on November 2, 2010 in categories: Communication, Marriage Q&A and Tips From Dr. H. 0 Comments

Sometimes I (Dr. Heitler) get invited to be a guest poster on other people’s blogs. Recently, I had the honor of guest blogging on Alisa Bowman’s terrific marriage blog, http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/10/how-to-ask-for-change%E2%80%A6/.

The conversation became quite lively, so I thought I’d summarize my thoughts here. Here’s the particularly good question that sparked the discussion:

Q: Whenever I ask my spouse to change, she gets mad at me and says that I’m always blaming her and picking on her. How can I improve my marriage if my spouse won’t even listen to my requests?

Here’s some of the advice I’ve been giving:

Your job is to look at what YOU can do differently vis a vis your wife’s habits. Trying to change YOUR WIFE will invite her to feel blamed and picked on.

So skip the requests.

Instead, give feedback about how her actions affect you. And figure out new ways to prevent or to respond to your wife’s unacceptable behaviors.

Here’s an example of giving feedback.

Dan’s wife frequently left her clothes on the bedroom floor, so Dan explained to her, “I like when there’s a place for everything and everything is in its place. I feel edgy around messiness. When I see your clothes on our bedroom floor, my hackles go up and I feel irritable toward you.”

After receiving your feedback about your reactions to something she/he is doing, hopefully your spouse will begin to think about making changes. That’s called “responsivity.” Responsivity is a sure winner for creating a happy home life.

Even without responsivity from your spouse though, you can be thinking about what you could do differently that might help.

Dan came up with a great idea. He found a large and quite attractive basket, which he placed next to the reading chair and lamp in their bedroom. “How about if we use this basket as the laundry basket instead of just the one in our closet. Let’s see how good we can get at shooting hoops as we take off clothes! Look,” he added with a grin, “I can pop my sock in, I think, from way over here!”

Dan then pulled a lovely side chair from another room. It just fit into the small space next to the new basket. “How about if we drape clothes that have been worn but don’t yet need laundering on this chair?” he asked his wife. “That way if we don’t want to take the time to hang them up, they still won’t end up on the floor.”

Dan’s wife laughed. “I love it, and I love you,” she said, punctuating her comments with a kiss.

….. If you want to read more of the conversation this topic triggered, check it out here: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/10/how-to-ask-for-change%E2%80%A6/

- Dr. Heitler

Categories: Communication, Marriage Q&A and Tips From Dr. H

Relationship Q&A: Depression: His and Hers

Posted on August 1, 2009 in categories: As seen in Ladies Home Journal, Depression, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler and Marriage Q&A. 0 Comments

This Ladies’ Home Journal Q&A is a tough one. A reader describes a tough situation, in which her marriage was affected by her own depression and past hurtful treatment towards her husband. Now, he’s moved out, and while she’s sought treatment and seeks resolution with her husband, he has begun to suffer from his own bout of depression and regards their life together with a more “closed door” attitude.

What’s a wife to do?

Dr. Heitler encourages the reader to remember her husband’s depression, which may allow her take his reluctance to reconnect less personally. Heitler recommends a heart to heart, which may help the reader to understand her husband’s concerns about reconciliation.

Depression can wreak havoc on even the strongest relationships, read more to learn the rest of Dr. Heitler’s recommendations.

source: http://www.lhj.com/relationships/marriage/challenges/relationship-qa-depression-his-and-hers/

Categories: As seen in Ladies Home Journal, Depression, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler and Marriage Q&A

Relationship Q&A: Hiding Credit Card Debt

Posted on July 1, 2009 in categories: Anger, As seen in Ladies Home Journal, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler and Marriage Q&A. 0 Comments

Credit card debt is a tough topic. While it might be tempting to try and keep it from your spouse, as an adult, it’s important to come clean.

No one wants to incur their spouse’s anger, at the same time remind yourself that it to shall pass. Still, you must be thoughtful about how and when you tell you husband. Read Dr. Heitler’s suggestions.

source: http://www.lhj.com/relationships/marriage/challenges/relationship-qa-hiding-credit-card-debt/

Categories: Anger, As seen in Ladies Home Journal, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler and Marriage Q&A