Archive for the 'Anger' Category

Tips for dealing with difficult people

Posted on April 2, 2013 in categories: Anger, Communication, Emotional Regulation, Naomi and Positivity. 0 Comments

Dealing with difficult people is something we all have to face. Luckily, many of the skills we us to make our marriages run smoothly and diffuse tension can also be used for dealing with difficult people. Here are the top 5 Power of Two golden rules for conflict and communication in marriage that will help you in any situation, whether at work, with friends, or family members.

Remember: it’s not about you. Only we control our emotions–no one can “make” someone else angry, upset, or irritated. So while you may have made a mistake that was regrettable and caused problems (and if so, recognize and acknowledge it), if someone becomes angry, guilts you, or treats you poorly, that is their problem. If they are angry, that is their problem. Continue reading ‘Tips for dealing with difficult people’

Categories: Anger, Communication, Emotional Regulation, Naomi and Positivity

Help a friend escape domestic violence

Posted on December 4, 2012 in categories: Anger, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News and Naomi. 0 Comments

Avon and British non-profit Refuge are joining together to launch an awareness drive for domestic violence. An astonishing one in four women will be affected by domestic violence in their lifetime. “Sadly, we all probably know someone this is happening to right now,” explains the narrator in their Youtube video campaign.

Abusive situations are often difficult to get out of since one of the first steps of abuse is to break down the victim’s independence and self-esteem. Support from friends and loved ones can be the ticket to pulling a woman out of a violent relationship. Unfortunately, without the right information you may not pick up on the signs of domestic violence and unknowingly say things that actually discourage her from seeking help.

This beautiful “choose your own adventure”-style video series guides you through how to respond to and support a friend who may be reaching out from such a situation. Scroll below for the cheat sheet. Please watch and share! Continue reading ‘Help a friend escape domestic violence’

Categories: Anger, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage in the News and Naomi

Best articles of the week: Help for an unhappy marriage

Posted on July 6, 2012 in categories: Anger, Divorce, Marriage in the News, Positivity and Reviews. 0 Comments

Unexpected conflicts, anger, illness and change…some marriages have a lot to deal with. This week I’m featuring the best articles I’ve read recently on overcoming various causes of an unhappy marriage. We’ve got everything from new studies on emotion regulation to a blog dedicated to helping spouses with chronic illness. I hope you find the articles as interesting as I did!

Did Scientology Destroy Tom and Katie’s Marriage? via the Daily Beast

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/06/30/did-scientology-destroy-tom-cruise-and-katie-holmes-marriage.html

The biggest news of the past week has to be the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce. Gossip abounds about their unhappy marriage and Scientology’s potential role in their break up. This article from the Daily Beast is the most well-written one I’ve read about the split. It poses lots of interesting questions and delves into important issues. The conclusion: this is one marriage with very valid reasons for divorce.

Showing Fake Love Leads to Real Romance, via Jagran Post

http://post.jagran.com/showing-fake-love-leads-to-real-romance-1341490914

Not that you should fake emotions, especially during an unhappy marriage. At the same time, we fall into patterns of being out of love that involve body language cues like eye rolling or turning away when we speak to our spouses. These reinforce our negative feelings about our partner. This British study shows that you can put the spark back in your relationship by using the body first and the mind will follow. Take the effort to make loving gestures, even if you don’t geel all the way there yet, can help you redirect the negative emotions into positive and eventually loving ones.

Self-Distancing May Help Deal with Anger, via Counsel & Heal

http://www.counselheal.com/articles/2143/20120702/self-distancing-help-deal-anger.htm

Anger and negativity is the cause of many an unhappy marriage. Counsel and Heal provides advice from two new studies on regulating emotion with self-distancing. Self-distancing is the practice of removing yourself mentally from the emotional situation–imagining it objectively as if it were happening to someone else. “The self-distancing approach helped people regulate their angry feelings and also reduced their aggressive thoughts,” say the researchers of one study.

Warning: Your Spouse Has Changed! via Alisa Bowman

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2012/07/warning-your-spouse-has-changed/

Alisa offers a thoughtful and smart response to a reader who laments “My wife is just not the person I married 14 years ago.” Life is change. You will change, your spouse will change, your world will change–and it won’t change back. “Forget about who your spouse used to be,” Alisa writes. “Think about who you need your spouse to become. Then think about how you might change to enable that spouse to follow your lead.” A great, philosophical read.

Beyond the Fairy Tale, via Chronic Marriage

http://chronicmarriage.com/uncategorized/beyond-fairy-tale/

Helena Madsen runs the Chronic Marriage blog to provide support and advice to marriages where a spouse is dealing with a chronic illness. In this introductory post she outlines the qualities of maturity couples need to survive and thrive in a chronic disease situation. I look forward to reading more from Helena!

Help for an unhappy marriage is out there

You can change an unhappy marriage–don’t be afraid to get help

Categories: Anger, Divorce, Marriage in the News, Positivity and Reviews

The I Love Lucy guide to a happy marriage

Posted on January 31, 2012 in categories: Anger, Just For Fun, Media Mondays and Naomi. 2 Comments

Here’s a witty compilation from a Youtube poster, a tongue-in-cheek look at advice for a happy marriage from I Love Lucy. The areas of advice are (1) discuss things kindly, (2) never lose you temper, (3) listen to your partner, (4) be honest, (5) be considerate, (6) appreciate your spouse’s work, and (7) never let the flame go cold. Sounds like good advice to me! Of course, when it comes to Lucille and Desi, nothing is that simple. This is one of the most well-known and popular couples in pop culture history. What do you think: do they have a good marriage?

It’s interesting to see the differences in the accepted roles of man and wife 50 years ago versus today. Desi is in control of the finances; Lucy gets an allowance from him. Lucy doesn’t work and is portrayed as a relatively childish, trouble-making girl who is always causing disasters. The two have separate beds! The spouses are constantly playing games with each other in an endless loop of give and take. They insult each other openly. Desi appears to physically threaten Lucy many times, although they never have any violent moments.

When I really think about it, much of the marriages portrayed in the show are disturbing. So what makes them so funny and enjoyable at the same time?

What I like about I Love Lucy, when I get past the sexist faux-pas, is that Lucy is feisty and independent and Desi is infinitely patient. They seem like equals. And they always manage to resolve their problems in a loving and forgiving manner. There’s a lot of passion and understanding between them and they do seem to have a happy marriage.

There’s always danger analyzing something meant to be funny in a serious way because, after all, comedy works by exaggerating normal behavior. Still, it’s fodder for some interesting conversation. So check out this clip and chime in. What rubs you the wrong way about their relationship? What do you like? Is this still, or was it ever, a good model for a happy marriage?

Categories: Anger, Just For Fun, Media Mondays and Naomi

How to fight fair

Posted on January 27, 2012 in categories: Anger, Communication, Emotional Regulation and Naomi. 0 Comments

Today I wanted to explore Dr. King’s sayings on protest in terms of how to fight fair with your spouse. This is the second of 3 posts celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King and kicking off Black History Month in February.

2. ”Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” ~MLK

2011 was a year of protests, from Egypt to the Occupation of towns across America. Many of these protests involved thousands of peaceful, non-violent protestors. At the same time, many of them also devolved into violence. Watching the Occupy Oakland protestors next door to my home town, Alameda, I saw first hand how similar this conflict was to how argument escalates in a marriage. It reminded me of how important it is to learn how to fight fair and carry Dr. King’s words in our hearts.

It started out peacefully enough with one side–the “people”–stating their opinion and displeasure at their relationship with the other side–the government. At first side #1 received non-response from the other side (the Mayor’s office). So they continued with their complaint. With no dialog occurring between the two sides, each became more and more worked up and entrenched in their different opinions. After becoming increasingly frustrated with the protesters and unsure of what to do, side #2 lashed out with frustration at side #1. Both sides ended up exploding at each other with terrible violence. When the smoke cleared, both were hurt, embarrassed, and more alienated from each other than before, and nothing productive had come out of the encounter.

Both the Occupy protesters, the government, and our marriages can benefit from learning how to fight fair. Only mutual love and respect can solve a dispute between two parties–screaming louder to drown out the shouts of the other side will not convince them that you are right. Here’s how to win a fight with love. This is how to fight fair.

1. Love means...being truly interested in your spouse’s point of view and hearing her opinion.

Realize that both of you have important view points to contribute the issue. If you respect your spouse, you will respect their needs and desires reflected in their opinions. Being negative or dismissive about things that are important to your spouse will lead to serious marriage problems.

2. Love means…willing to work together until you find a win-win solution.

Try to get to the root causes of your opinions instead of focusing on opposing solutions. For example, you want to go biking but your spouse wants to watch a movie. Two opposing ideas, right? Well what if your underlying reason is that you want to get out of the house, and your spouse’s reason is that she has been on her feet all day and wants to rest. Now you can find a new solution that addresses both your desires. Why not go for a car ride–you get out of the house, and she can stay seated. Win-win!

3. Love means…knowing where your anger limits are and working around them.

Everyone has hot spots that get them from calm to raging in 2 seconds. Know what gets you riled and will push you away from how to fight fair. At these times practice Exit and Re-enter strategy: leave the room to cool down and return once you’re calm.

4. Love means…being on the same team.

If you treat your partner with love, you will realize that you are always on the same team. You are both working together on how to make a relationship last long, healthy and happy for yourselves and your children. Likewise, the citizen and the government are really working towards the same goal: to have a safe, supportive, and respectful relationship, and to create a great country. Maybe marriage skills and conflict resolution should be required teaching in high school civics classes!

Categories: Anger, Communication, Emotional Regulation and Naomi

What are you fighting for?

Posted on October 6, 2011 in categories: Anger, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Naomi and Positivity. 0 Comments

Dr. Heitler’s Psychology Today post just came out and has almost immediately been listed as an “essential read.” Her topic is protest. She starts off talking about the political battles being fought around the world right now, especially the “Arab Spring” and the Occupy Wall Street protests. She then focuses down on our own personal battles. We end up much happier, she notes, when we are able to fight for something instead of just against something.

The power of positivity is one of my favorite subjects. There’s something to be said for not being too optimistic or naive. At the same time, more and more scientific studies come out that show being negative and anxious increases your chances of everything from headaches to heart attacks. If you believe bad things happen to you, they often do. If you believe good things happen to you, they often will.

I think scholars and leaders throughout history have touched on this subject. The Christian teachings of Jesus famously ask followers to always hold hope, faith, and love in their hearts…and so do teachings of Islam, Buddhism and Judaism and Hinduism. I can’t think of any belief system whose main tenants are for followers to be constantly fearful, pessimistic, and morose (this may occur among some sects but…well, I don’t want to get into that argument). The main message from all spheres of science and faith is that to attain happiness you must first embrace a positive mindset.

So back to protests. In her article, Dr. Heitler talks about the difference between today’s protests and the protests of the 60s she remembers. The 60s protests and the era in general had an atmosphere of joy and optimism. The protesters weren’t just against war or racism, they stood for peace, equality, and free expression. Much of todays politics and protest, in contrast, is about demonstrating against something and expressing shame, anger, guilt, and outrage. While strong negative emotions can be important motivators, it’s equally essential to have something good and tangible you are working towards. As Dr. Heitler asks, if you don’t have an identifiable goal, how are you going to get there?

It’s the same with your marriage problems as it is with a political idea. It’s much easier to find points of agreement when you talk about the things you like instead of focusing on what you don’t want or don’t like about the other person’s position. Chances are both of you have similar desires, and by being flexible you can find overlapping solutions to reach your goals. Getting stuck on what you don’t want is like pushing, while talking about what you would like is pulling. You can push against each other all you want, or you can band together to pull towards your common goals. This ends in mutually satisfying solutions.

Dr. Heitler’s article has made me think a lot about how the skills we teach in relationship counseling are incredibly important in all our interactions with fellow humans (for more see this post on PO2 in the workplace). I’d be interested to hear what you think.

Categories: Anger, Communication, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler, In the Press, Marriage and Your Health, Marriage Issues & Relationship Skills, Naomi and Positivity

What should I do if my spouse is spying on me?

Posted on July 21, 2011 in categories: Anger, Communication, Infidelity and Naomi. 2 Comments

Phone hacking has been all over the news lately due to Rupert Murdoch’s “News of the World” scandal. While the public is quick to condemn the newspaper’s actions, reading other’s personal information is something that can seem morally blurry when it comes to your spouse. Aren’t you supposed to share everything? This is the topic brought up by the writers over at Jezebel.com on a controversy surrounding a response in the popular advice column “Ask Amy.” Here is the question that was sent to the column, edited for brevity:

My husband very strongly dislikes my best friend. He feels that she is a “bad influence” on me, as she is still dating and hasn’t settled down in her late 20s, goes to a gym that offers “pole fitness” classes, and had an abortion a year ago.

He is always angry when I am talking to her on the phone and has gone so far as to hack into my e-mail account and read our e-mails to one another.

Heaven forbid the e-mail contain a reference to an acquaintance of ours we find attractive or a (justified or not) complaint about a habit of his.

Amy Dickinson published this reply:

Your husband is being unreasonable. But then, so are you.

The problem here is that you are putting your friendship with your girlfriend in the middle of your relationship with your husband. You also need to learn how to dole out information like a grown-up. [She shouldn’t have told her husband about the friend’s abortion or told her friend about her marriage complaints.]

You three need a do-over. You should be able to chat privately with your friend, but you should also welcome your husband into the circle from time to time. And he needs to grow up, too.

Amy is right to point out that there are always things that both parties (wife and husband) can do to solve marriage problems. At the same time, as Jezebel quickly notes, Amy completely misses the disturbing center of the asker’s situation: the controlling, manipulative and angry behavior of the husband. The Jezebel writer hits the issue right on with this quote: “when you get married… you don’t surrender your right to have private conversations with your friends…You don’t surrender your right to privacy or to correspond with people without worrying about being monitored. This is marriage- a lifelong partnership of love, respect, and trust.”

In fact, controlling or isolating behavior is among our top 5 reasons for divorce. If your partner habitually restricts your social life, cuts you off from loved ones, and insists that you only spend time doing his/her pre-approved activities, please, talk to someone about this. How to deal with jealousy and other problems can be learned with counseling, while controlling behavior is a sign of a serious and potentially dangerous situation in your marriage that requires immediate action and perhaps separation.

It is generally a bad sign if you feel that you need to check your spouse’s email or cell phone without permission. It may be a sign that you’re being too controlling. Almost always, it’s a sign that something is seriously awry in the kind of healthy open communication, trustworthy behaviors, and loving consideration that are the foundations of healthy marriages.

At the same time, it’s also a bad sign if there’s anything in your “private” communications that you wouldn’t be 100% proud to share with your spouse. Like Amy says, airing your husband’s dirty laundry to the girls isn’t fair–it’s a breach of the trust you share by having such intimately connected lives. Hey, would you want him joking about your love-handles to the guys?

So, on the one hand foster independence in you marriage and stand up for your independence. And at the same time, be very careful how you use that independence!

What do you think, dear readers? Do you agree or disagree? Can you think of a time when it would be ok to check your spouse’s email?

Categories: Anger, Communication, Infidelity and Naomi

Relationship Q&A: Hiding Credit Card Debt

Posted on July 1, 2009 in categories: Anger, As seen in Ladies Home Journal, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler and Marriage Q&A. 0 Comments

Credit card debt is a tough topic. While it might be tempting to try and keep it from your spouse, as an adult, it’s important to come clean.

No one wants to incur their spouse’s anger, at the same time remind yourself that it to shall pass. Still, you must be thoughtful about how and when you tell you husband. Read Dr. Heitler’s suggestions.

source: http://www.lhj.com/relationships/marriage/challenges/relationship-qa-hiding-credit-card-debt/

Categories: Anger, As seen in Ladies Home Journal, Expert Advice from Dr. Heitler and Marriage Q&A