1. Have you already given up on your marriage?

Paul Amato, PhD, professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 newlyweds and found that 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples are leaving marriages that still have real potential. Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”

Unfortunately, repairing a relationship is much more difficult if either or both spouses have already assumed the marriage is over. Look deep into yourself to see if these marriage questions are true – it may be an unconscious assumption that then contributes to withdrawal from the marriage. Then take heart! The odds of rekindling love and reclaiming a happy marriage are actually in your favor. Ready to try? Let’s go!

2. Do you think that this is the best you can do?

Do you believe that your current marriage is the best you can manage or even that you deserve to have an unhappy marriage? Every person is deserving of love, respect and appreciation. And, no matter your past experiences, it is possible for you to move on and grab hold of the warm, positive and safe marriage that is your right! Consider seeing a counselor, therapist, or other trusted figure to help understand what feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or shame may be holding you back and come up with a game plan for empowerment.

3. Are you expecting your spouse to change?

When facing marriage questions, spouses are likely to look outward for the root of the problem. That is, they can come up with hundreds of little things that other people could do to fix the marriage. “If only my spouse did X everything would be better.” “If only my in-laws weren’t so overbearing and miserable.” The truth is, each person is only in control of his or her actions. No one can make another person change, and furthermore, it is not your job to do so. You can, however, change yourself. In a marriage, all problems are joint affairs, even while more responsibility may lie on one spouse or the other. Recognizing how your behavior contributes to the unhappy marriage is the first and most essential step in doing what you have in your power to fix the problem. Ask yourself, “Other than getting my spouse to change, what can I do about this issue?”

4. How often do you insult or become physically aggressive with each other? Marriage questions

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman found that, rather than frequency of conflict, the number one predictor of divorce among couples was how nasty they were to

Got marriage questions?

each other during fights. The meanest of these conflicts weren’t necessarily the loudest. Rather, these aggressive couples used sarcasm, personal insults and disparaging comments that have no place in a marriage. A marriage should be a safe and supportive place, even in the face of disagreement. If you find yourself calling your spouse names, using insults or sarcasm when you are angry, stop immediately. Power of Two can teach you some tricks for keeping anger levels low and responding to your spouse’s anger in a way that diffuses the situation instead of escalating it.

Any behavior from your spouse that makes you feel unsafe should be a big flashing warning sign. Physical assault, including throwing objects, is unacceptable. Any repeated bodily harm towards you or your children is a sign that you should seek the counsel of a trusted friend or professional immediately. Behavior like this is considered abusive and is likely to worsen with time. Constant insults, emotional manipulation, threats and other behavior that attempts to control you or makes you feel worthless or dependent is also a form of abuse. Call the free and confidential National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) for more information.

5. How do you clean up after upsets?

Dr. Gottman further found that couples who were able to joke about their conflicts even while in the middle of one had more positive marriages and less likelihood of divorcing later on. These couples defused stressful situations using humor, compliments, and other neutral cool-down techniques. Even if you end up in a food-fight after an argument over who does the dishes, as long as you can quickly de-escalate, apologize, and regain positive, loving feelings for each other, you will be in a solid place. From this point, you can learn the skills to avoid angry episodes altogether using emotional climate control.

6. Have any big life events occurred, such as a death, birth, stressful project, or job loss?

Stress, grief, depression, and anxiety from big life events impact both the brain and body in just as real a way as an infection or injury. Yet Americans in particular tend to downplay or downright ignore this impact, instead opting to “get over it” and plow on. If your marriage has taken a sudden turn for the worse, reflect upon any external circumstances that may have impacted you or your spouse’s mental state. Then, take time to support each other in healing from and working through these emotional experiences. A healthy, happy marriage is built upon the foundation of two healthy, happy individuals. Taking care of yourself is far from selfish – it is essential! marriage questions

6. Have you truly tried to improve your relationship?

Couples counseling, marriage education, retreats, therapy and support groups can work wonders for almost any marriage. Have you had a negative or unsuccessful experience with one form of marriage help in the past? Don’t give up! Marriage counseling is not one-size-fits all and while one therapist’s approach may not have worked for you, another’s likely will. One marriage help method that tends to work well for most marriages is called marriage education. Rather than focusing on specific issues or past experiences like traditional talking therapy, this method teaches couples the skills they can use on their own to improve communication, positivity and intimacy.

The Power of Two program has been scientifically proven to be just as effective as the most effective in person marriage education programs. Try it out now with a FREE 3-Day trial.

The post The 6 most insightful marriage questions you can ask yourself appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

Want better communication in your marriage? Take a quiz to see how solid your communication skills are now or read this guide to communication marriage problems. Then brush up on these five key elements of effective communication that you can use every day.

1. Say It

No matter how close you and your spouse are, it is safe to say that you can’t actually read each other’s minds. Yet quite often this is exactly what we expect our spouses to do. This is the opposite of effective communication. Beware of expecting your partner to know what you want or feel. In fact, partners should at all times avoid making assumptions. Hinting, wishing, wondering and insinuating are the primary causes of toxic misunderstandings in a marriage. Just like brushing your teeth, if you don’t practice a healthy “say-it” habit regularly, you’ll face big marriage problems down the road. The more you establish a pattern of saying aloud your concerns and preferences, the less suspicion, resentment, and confusion will be able to fester and decay your marriage.

2. Slow it down

Fast talking often results in quantity over quality. When you speak quickly, you run the risk of confusing or loosing your listener. You also run the risk of becoming increasingly heated if you are talking about an emotional topic. Effective communication comes in slow and small chunks. Present your ideas or opinions in short and steady pieces with enough pause between them to make sure that your listener can understand and fully digest what you have just said.

3. Listen to learn

In adversarial listening, each partner is listening like a debater, zeroed in on finding holes in his partner’s argument and places where he disagrees. Listening this way guarantees you will miss the areas where you might actually agree with what your spouse is saying and will likely take things personally and get heated. The key to effective dialog communication skills is building on the positives, in other words, finding common ground and then going forward based on what you both agree on. Listen to learn about your partner – what he or she wants, feels and needs. Focus on your common understandings and repeat them back to your partner to show that you are on her team.

4. Steer clear of cross-overs

Cross-overs are any time you apply what you think to your partner. A good rule for effective communication is to stay in your lane and never talk about or for someone else. This is more wide-ranging that simply avoiding “you” statements. Cross-overs include: guessing or trying to “mind read” your spouse; guessing your partner’s emotions; labeling your partner; criticizing and controlling or commanding. Dr. Susan Heitler writes in The Power of Two: “Believing that you have the right to tell your partner what to do and what not to do, or that you know what your partner thinks or feels, seriously erodes a couple’s closeness. Crossovers replace the genuine intimacy of mutual understanding” that comes from showing concern and respect for your partner’s individuality.

If you have feedback about your spouse that you want to share with her, do so by using the phrase, “When you…I…” For example, “When you get ready to go out all at the last minute, it makes me feel anxious and stressed.” This focuses the feedback on the effects of your spouse’s actions instead of criticizing him directly. And in turn, placing the emphasis onto yourself and explaining how your feel invites empathy rather than defensiveness. Learn more about increasing positivity.

The “silent treatment” is the enemy of effective communication!

5. Eliminate “but”

“But” is a little word with big consequences. While you might use “but” to make an addition or even reassure your spouse, this word actually cancels out what your partner just said. For example:

Spouse #1: “I’m really worried that we won’t make the show on time.”

Spouse #2: “But the movie never starts exactly on time, we’ll have at least 10 minutes of previews first.”

This “but” overrides Spouse #1′s opinion with Spouse #2′s. It implies that Spouse #1′s feelings of stress and anxiousness are unimportant or unfounded. It ignores the fact that, perhaps, Spouse #1 highly values punctuality or wants to see the previews.

Eliminate “but” from your vocabulary and replace it with “and.” Using “and” lets you first acknowledge what your partner has just said and then add your opinion so it. Additive rather than subtractive dialog is an essential part of effective communication.

Want to build you skills for effective communication?

Start with small goals. Try focusing on just one of these five elements for a whole week. With repetition, it will eventually become habit and you can then move on to the next one. You might want to share this article with your spouse, too. The good news is, you will see positive results in your relationships even if he or she isn’t interesting in working on improving your marriage right now. Just one spouse who dedicates him or herself to mastering effective communication skills can have a huge positive impact on the relationship.

If you would like more structured help for improving communication in marriage or working on marriage problems, try a FREE 3-Day membership with Power of Two. You can start messaging your personal marriage coach right away and get the curriculum tailored to you.

Take our Marriage Quiz to find out what areas in your marriage could use a skills boost. Many people are surprised at the hidden causes of their marriage problems.

The post 5 keys to effective communication appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

Orbuch found that when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the couple’s risk of divorce decreased by 20%. Yet women who said they had a close relationship with their husbands’ parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%.

These finding may seem counter intuitive – family closeness , when harmonious, should increase marital stability! Yet Orbuch says the results make sense because of the different ways in which men and women process intimate relationships.

Men are less inclined to worry that in-laws are interfering in their marriage since being a husband, father, or homemaker is not often their primary identity. In fact, “close in-law ties between a husband and his wife’s parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her,” Orbuch said. “When a husband gets close to his wife’s parents, this says to her: ‘Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.’ And of course, that makes us as women feel really good.”

Since women tend to identify more strongly with their marriage and home life, they tend to be more sensitive to perceptions of “meddling” from their parents-in-law. The closer the in-laws are, the more chances that “meddling” interactions occurring. Women may also turn to in-laws in efforts to change their spouses and get his parents “on her side.” This type of closeness is not a recipe for marital happiness!

In general, Orbuch found in-law ties to be very stressful for women.

“If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband,” she said. “Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can’t set the clear boundaries.”

These results are food for thought for any newlywed couple, and at the same time are problematic. Firstly, the reports of the research do not include how Orbuch defines a “close” relationship. Is this closeness by choice? Is it a sense of solidarity? Is it a genuine friendship? Can a “close” relationship be an unpleasant one? And how exactly, does discord between spouses and their in-laws lead to divorce? (there are normally widespread sources of distress that break up a marriage). The questions I have may be addressed in the paper itself, which will be published in journal Family Relations this year. I am eager to hear how Orbunch breaks down the other subtleties of couple and in-law relations.

Here is some advice on in-laws and marital happiness:

Get to know them – Husbands, if your wife has a good relationship with her parents, take the time to get to know them. She will feel doubly appreciated if you show you care about the people she cares about.

Maintain boundaries – Wives, refrain from talking about marriage problems or your husband’s attributes with his parents (or anyone besides a therapist, for that matter). Conversely, don’t bad mouth your in-laws to your husband, even if he does. If you feel smothered by your in-laws, set rules to give yourself distance. See our post on dealing with difficult relatives.

Put your relationship first – You married your spouse, not his parents! Stand up for your spouse if your parents attack her and take her complaints seriously. Defend your marriage against all outside threats – even your parents.

For the in-laws – Resist the attempt to give your daughter-in-law marriage, home, or parenting advice. There is very little chance that she will take it well, no matter how good your intentions are. And, in the end, it is not your marriage. Do make an effort to befriend your son-in-law!

The post In-laws can boost or break your marriage appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

Happy Mothers Day!

1. “God could not be everywhere, and therefore he created mothers.” ~ Jewish proverb

2. I believe in love a first sight because I’ve been loving my mother since I opened my eyes.

3. “It was my mother who gave me my voice. She did this, I know now, by clearing a space where my words could fall, grow, then find their way to others.” ~ Paula Giddings

4. “She is my first, great love. She was a wonderful, rare woman – you do not know; as strong, and steadfast, and generous as the sun.” ~ D.H. Lawrence

5. “There never was a woman like her. She was gentle as a dove and brave as a lioness.” ~ Andrew Jackson

6. “It was my mother who taught us to stand up to our problems, not only in the world around us but in ourselves.” ~ Dorothy Pitman Hughes

7. “A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” ~ Dorothy Canfield Fisher

8. “There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect” ~ Roseanne Barr

9. “An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.” ~ Spanish proverb for Happy Mothers Day Quotes
   

10. “Only mothers can think of the future–because they give birth to it in their children.” ~ Maxim Gorsky

11. “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” ~ Mark Twain

12. “You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.” ~ Homer Simpson

13. “One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.” ~ Margaret Mead

14. “To a child’s ear, “mother” is magic in any language.” ~ Arlene Benedict

15. “I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine – she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights.” ~ Terri Guillemets

16. “Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother’s secret love outlives them all.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes. Sr.

17. “There is no way to be a perfect mother, and there are a million ways to be a good one.” ~ Jill Churchill

18. “Mothers and daughters are closest when daughters become mothers” ~ Anonymous Happy Mothers Day Quotes

19. “Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease.” ~ Lisa Alther

20. “When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself.” ~ Nancy Friday

21. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~ Milton Berle

22. “A mom’s hug lasts long after she lets go.” ~ Anonymous happy Mothers Day Quotes

23. “I cannot forget my mother.  [S]he is my bridge.  When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely.” ~ Renita Weems

24. Mothers hold their child’s hand for a moment, and their hearts for a lifetime. ~Anonymous Happy Mothers Day Quotes

25. “It’s not easy being a mother.  If it were easy, fathers would do it.” ~ From the television show The Golden Girls

Happy Mother Day quotes are good for any time – Show your love!

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1. Marriage and Retirement Planning

One of the biggest problems starts with pre-retirement planning. As we prepare for retirement, we often make lots of mental plans about what and how to do it. When these develop in our minds and don’t share them with our spouses, we are setting our marriage and retirement up for miscommunication, disappointment and conflict.

“People can have different mindsets and priorities when they retire, which don’t always coincide with their spouses’,” notes Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, in a recent Forbes article.  “It’s important for spouses to communicate how much time they want to spend together and apart.” How to communicate with your spouse.

And if your spouse has a very different view of how much time you want to spend together? “The key is not to [take it personally]!” she continues. “Just because someone doesn’t want to have lunch with you every single day doesn’t mean that they don’t love you to pieces.”

So talk early and talk often about your expectations and desires for life after retirement.

2. Know how retirement may affect you

Men are often hit harder by retirement than women. This is because men are socially conditioned to identify their self-worth with their careers, whereas women tend to assume and identify with many roles throughout their lifetimes. Therefor, the ending of the career phase is usually a tougher psychological blow to men. The differences between spouses in easing into retirement can lead to problems in marriage. Husbands may become resentful of their wives’ smooth adjustment to retired life, while he finds himself no longer the breadwinner and dominant spouse in the marriage. Of course, healthy marriages are built on a sense of equal power where neither spouse is “dominant.” This is just one of the issues to discuss while preparing for marriage and retirement.

3. Nurture your mental health

Because of these big changes, retired people – especially men – are prone to depression in marriage and

Marriage and retirement can be a joy with solid planning.

retirement. Keep your spirits up by staying active and connected to friends, taking on a new hobby or volunteer pursuit, and cultivating new social circles. Be open to individual counseling for stress, anxiety or depression (it helps if you both see the same therapist/psychiatrist even if you go separately). Or, try an easy online “health club for the mind” such as myStrength.com.

4. Work on your marriage before you retire

Retirement is often a shock to marriage because it strips away other distractions that may have been hiding marital problems. “Jobs can mask the quality of your relationship since you spend 10-12 hours away from each other, but now you’re faced with each other full-time and you may find your interests aren’t as compatible as they once were,” says Robert Pascale, PhD, a retired pollster and author of The Retirement Maze.

How can you avoid this pitfall? Don’t wait until retirement to work on your marriage. Make your relationship a lifelong priority, even over your career. After all, your career will one day end, but you want your marriage to last a lifetime. In fact, you want your marriage to be a solid support during this time of transition, not a casualty of it. Also, instead of leading to divorce, retirement may give you the time to reconnect with each other and rekindle your marriage.

Power of Two’s simple, online activities are a perfect lifelong companion to your marriage and retirement. You can use it any time, at your own pace, and always come back to work on specific chapters when you need a boost. Visit PowerofTwo.com for more info and a free 3-day trial.

The post 4 things you need to know to navigate marriage and retirement appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

 How good is your marriage? Take Dr. Heitler’s Marriage Checkup Quiz.

Bad advice on marriage #1: My spouse has to go to counseling with me or it won’t work.

Actually, one spouse can carry a lot of sway in a relationship and, on her own, turn around a failing marriage. Power of Two has been shown in studies to be just as effective as counseling when both spouses go. At some point you’ll need to get your spouse on board and working on his own contribution to the marriage. At the same time, he can be gently led into this by following your example of increasing positivity, practicing better communication skills, and initiating intimacy.

Bad advice on marriage #2: My friends can help me solve my marriage problems

It certainly can be helpful to know that a friend has your back through marriage problems. At the same time, it’s not a good idea to use your friends as marriage counselors. Complaining and “spouse-bashing” to your friends only reinforces your negative opinions of your marriage and often discourages you from seeing things from your spouse’s point of view. Save the personal details of your marriage for your couples therapist. How to choose the best online marriage counseling option.

Bad advice on marriage #3: If the marriage doesn’t work out, I didn’t marry the right person

Our modern über-romantic views on love and marriage can be traced back to medieval times. Tales of courtly love, full of self-sacrifice and unquestioning faithfulness, have morphed into our expectations for true love in marriage. Pop culture perpetuates this myth by glossing over the realities of life long partnerships. This does everybody a disservice. Even if you have met someone who is the best possible fit for you, you will have difficulties. And you can make it work! Plus if you don’t get the skills to communicate, increase positivity and problem solve now, you will only face the same problems with a new partner down the road, even if they are “the one”.

Bad advice on marriage #4: Marriage counseling will save my marriage

Marriage counseling is a great option for every couple, no matter what size and kind of issues you have. At the same time, counseling is not a cure-all. Many counseling approaches focus on reflection and analysis. It’s great if you discover the root psychology of your problems – it doesn’t do anything unless you turn that understanding into tangible changes in the future! Marriage counseling will not save your marriage; only the work you put into it can. Look for counseling programs that, like Power of Two, focus on giving you the skills to craft a better marriage for life. Learn more about Power of Two.

Bad advice on marriage #5: If my spouse cheats on me, the marriage is over

Infidelity and similar trust betrayals are crushing for a marriage. At the same time, many couples fight for reconciliation and come out even stronger. Overcoming a trust betrayal requires two things: the full commitment of the erring spouse to change and ensure the mistake never happens again, and the full support of the other spouse.

Bad advice on marriage #6: It’s OK and normal for couples to fight

Every couple has disagreements – not every couples fights. Yelling, insults, and anger are not “natural” parts of marriage in any amount. In fact, even the smallest bit of negativity – sarcasm, an eye roll, a “you” statement – can considerably sour the atmosphere in your relationship. Marriages with emotional tumult and negativity can survive, but are not very pleasant or enjoyable. Wouldn’t you rather be in a marriage full of positivity and stability? That is what skills-based marriage education can achieve.

Darn! I’ve been following terrible advice on marriage!

Bad advice on marriage #7: It’s noble to sacrifice what I want/need to please my spouse/children

Women, particularly, are conditioned to put the needs of others before their own. Not only does this diminish your personal power and self-esteem, it is actually is harmful to your marriage. Self-sacrifice and compromise inevitably develop into feelings of resentment and depression. Read more about “yielding” patterns of conflict resolution in Dr. Heitler’s article on marriage problems. All relationships are better off when both spouses have all of their needs and desires met. That is the true “power of two”!

Bad advice on marriage #8: We should be madly in love forever

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

~ George Bernard Shaw

The first, wild, passionate stage of love is called infatuation and, according to some researchers, it lasts a maximum of 2 years. It can be tempting to take its disappearance as a sign that you didn’t marry “the one” and that your marriage must be over. In fact, love changes over time. Sometimes it is fiery and vibrant, and other times a cooler glow of companionship. Simple habits and activities, though, can re-ignite the spark when you need it.  Sex and intimacy can be improved instead of being reasons for divorce! Get help for a sexless marriage.

Power of Two is an effective, easy and fun new approach to marriage counseling. If you’ve found that any of these marriage mistakes are hurting your marriage, sign up for a FREE 3-Day trial of Power of Two. Your personal, certified marriage coach will customize the program to you and help you work towards your personal marriage goals.

The post 8 beliefs that are actually terrible advice on marriage appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

Enjoy!

“Being in a long marriage is a little bit like that nice cup of coffee every morning – I might have it every day, but I still enjoy it.” -Stephen Gaines

“Happily ever after is not a fairy tale.  It’s a choice.” -Fawn Weaver

“The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn’t marry me.” -Robert Brault

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” -Ruth Bell Graham marriage quotes funnymarriage quotes funny

“When people tell me they’ve learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people’s experience.” -Warren Buffett marriage quotes funny

“There comes a time when a man and woman realize that their separate schemes can be better achieved as a conspiracy.” -Robert Brault

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner

“Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.” -Max Lucado marriage quotes funny

“‎Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” -Sam Levenson

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” -Zig Ziglar marriage quotes funny

“Motto for the bride and groom: We are a work in progress with a lifetime contract.” -Phyllis Koss marriage quotes funny

“Rules for a happy marriage: 1. Never both be angry at the same time. 2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. 3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your spouse. 4. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. 5. Never bring up mistakes from the past. 6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. 7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. 8. At least once a day say a kind word or pay a compliment to your partner. 9. When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness. 10. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is usually the one who does the most talking.” -Unknown marriage quotes

Marriage quotes-funny, not mean-can inspire you as well as make you laugh!

funny

“In every marriage, more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and to continue to find, grounds for marriage.” -Robert Anderson

“Being someone’s first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect.” -Unknown marriage quotes-funny! marriage quotes funny

“A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you don’t go and buy a new house, you change the light bulb.” -Unknown

“Motto for the bride and groom. We are a work in progress with a lifetime commitment.” -Unknown funny marriage sayings

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them in spite of the fact they’re not.” -Jodi Picoult

The post 20 hilarious marriage quotes-funny and true! appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

Often education on abusive behavior focuses primarily on physical abuse. In fact, there are several different kinds of abuse that don’t leave physical scars, but are just as serious and dangerous as domestic violence. Often psychological and emotional abuse are the precursors to physical violence.

Familiarize yourself with these signs of emotional abuse so you can protect yourself and your loved ones.

Signs of emotional abuse

1. Repeated cheating: One affair doesn’t have to be a deal breaker for your marriage; many marriages dealing with infidelity recover and become even stronger. At the same time – as with any destructive behavior – repeated or on-going affairs with no willingness to change is a big danger sign. These affairs are intended to hurt you, or at least show a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. These are signs of emotional abuse and reasons for divorce.

2. Aggressing – Emotionally aggressive behavior includes blaming, ordering or commanding, threatening, accusing, criticizing, and name-calling. Aggression can also be quite subtle and a bit harder to recognize than outright insults. An abuser may insist on doing things his way (overriding your opinion) or try to prove he is intellectually superior. An aggressive abuser often uses words or actions to show they he has the ultimate say in the marriage and invalidate the victim and her ideas.

3. Denying – Denying (withholding intimacy, the “silent treatment,” abandonment, and more) as a form of punishment is a common marriage mistake many of us make when we are upset at our spouses. This type of behavior has no place in a marriage! These can also be signs of emotional abuse when denying behavior is severe and ongoing.

An abuser may deny her victim by not listening or talking to him, acting as if he is not in the room. Thus, the abuser is able to emotionally withdraw from the situation and the victim. Being able to frame her spouse as an object, lesser and not worthy of normal interaction, helps the abuser to psychologically prepare for greater abuse.

An abuser may also deny her negative behavior or harming the spouse

If you have questions about signs of emotional abuse in your marriage, talk to a trusted friend or counselor.

(with words or blows). She may claim to not remember any such thing happening.  This means the abuser is overruling anything the victim says, thinks, or feels which, consequently, disrupts the victim’s sense of reality. He may no longer rely on their own judgment or feel he can trust his personal experience.

4. Minimizing – Minimizing occurs when the abuser acknowledges his hurtful behavior but  trivializes the incident to imply the victim is blowing it out of proportion. He may say things like, “Stop exaggerating,” or “You are being way too sensitive.” Again, these signs of emotional abuse question the victim’s sanity and the validity of her emotions.

5. Guilting – Guilting is another common behavior in many relationships, yet it is actually one of the signs of emotional abuse and has no place in a marriage at any degree. Guilting uses subtle criticism to attack the spouse’s self-esteem and coerce him into obeying the abuser by, confusingly, framing the abuser as the victim!  Your spouse may say things like, “If you were a good husband you would…” or “You don’t care about me! If you did you would…” This plays on the victim’s love, trust and care for his abusive partner. If your spouse often makes you feel guilty for not doing things her way, or for any independent behavior, to the point where you feel like a “bad” person and must obey her, you are likely in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 What can I do?

If you have experienced any of these five signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, seek professional help or someone safe to talk to right away. Or, see our previous post on domestic violence for help talking to a friend you are concerned may be abused. Consider calling the free, confidential National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

The post 5 signs of emotional abuse appeared first on Blog @ Power Of Two Marriage.

Why does nagging happen? Part of the puzzle has to do with the different ways in which men and women communicate. According to some research, women are more emotionally perceptive and sensitive to signs that there is something troubling their spouse. Since women tend to be more verbally communicative and explicative, they expect full and detailed answers about what is wrong. Therefor, getting a terse or evasive response from their spouse feels troubling and unsatisfying and they will continue to ask about the matter.

Women also tend to “nag” about household chores because they are conditioned to believe that managing home life is their prerogative. This holds true for whomever your family has decided is generally in charge of the household. However, it tends to affect women more (even if you decide to break up the work evenly) because of social conditioning. Most women still feel that they should be and are ultimately responsible for the smooth functioning of the home, even if they don’t explicitly believe this.

Of course, everybody is guilty of nagging. An anxious, obsessive, or highly organized personality of any gender will be more inclined to nag.

Why does nagging feel so awful? A successful marriage is based on balance. Both you and your spouse should feel that you have equal power in the relationship (the “Power of two”!) and respect each other. Nagging creates an atmosphere of power imbalance. Repeated instructions to your spouse undermine the perception of trust and adult responsibility in the other. Those being nagged report feeling scolded like a child and feeling that their needs and way of doing things are unappreciated. Many instances of nagging simply comes from a difference in priorities and approaches between spouses. In the end,  couples begin fighting about nagging  and end up ignoring those core issues underneath–each individual’s concerns and needs.

Here are some tips for dealing with nagging before it becomes one of your worst marriage issues:

1. Admit you are part of the problem. Both parties have responsibility in perpetuating the nagging cycle and both have work to do to solve their marriage issues. The good news is, there are many steps you can take to find win-win solutions that will leave you both satisfied.

2. Frame requests in the least aggressive way possible. No spouse should ever command the other. In addition, a stressful tone when asking your spouse to do a chore or a favor can leave her feeling stressed and attacked.

Nagging can create an atmosphere of tension and negativity in your marriage.

3. Try an experiment. Ask once for help with a chore, give a reasonable deadline, and then wait–no more asking in between! Chances are, your spouse will end up accomplishing the task. This may help you realize that he does things at his own pace, and your requests do get honored in the end. If he doesn’t follow through, you two need to site down and talk about expectations. Begin by explaining your own feelings –how you feel let down and frustrated when something that matters to you is left undone. Remain receptive and interested in hearing his side of the story.

4. For tasks that need to be accomplished regularly, sit down and make a written agreement for how and when each task will be accomplished and who will do it. Share with each other what you are willing and able to do each week, and how you prefer to have it done. If you disagree about something, remember to look deep into your underlying reason behind your opinion–don’t get stuck on one solution to your concern when you can find another solution that works for both of you!

Working through nagging issues involves much learning about “what makes the other person tick.” You will grow closer from the process and your marriage will grow stronger!

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1. Speak in short segments

Taking turns speaking in short blocks, responding and digesting to what your partner just said and adding your view, is called braided dialogue. Speaking in long chunks, or monologing has several dangers. Firstly, it can alienate your listener. The longer she has to listen, the less able she will be to effectively digest what you have said. Talking in short points makes sure you get everything said and helps your listener understand and respond to each.

2. Summarize

After your spouse has made an important point, let him know that you have heard, understand and value his thoughts. You can do this by repeating back the key points as you have heard them (wait to add your own opinion later, though!). This communication strategy gives him the opportunity to clarify anything and make sure you are both on the same page. He will also appreciate that you are truly listening to him.

3. Use “yes…and…” instead of “but”

“But” is a little word with a big impact in communication strategies. “But” basically cancels out or negates what your partner has just said. Instead of “but”, use “yes…and…” to make a point that differs from your spouse’s. “Yes” acknowledges and affirms that your spouse has a valid opinion, and “and” adds your own. Viewing decision-making as additive rather than subtractive (also called “compromise”) will lead to much more satisfying solutions from communication in marriage.

4. Monitor for heat and speed

In any sensitive conversation you may start to notice you and/or your spouse escalating

Solid communication strategies can transform your marriage.

towards anger. Learn to catch the sign of early annoyance or impatience in yourself. If you start to speak faster, feel your heart rate increase, and start to slip on the other communication strategies, help yourself cool down by taking a quick break. Get a glass of water or take a walk around the block, and then come back to the conversation.

5. Monitor for exhaustion, hunger, and overload

Any conversation is going to be doubly distressed if either of you are tired, hungry, worried, or thirsty. Try to set aside time for your discussion at a time when you are both relaxed and satisfied. If you can’t do so, just keep in mind that you both might be a bit short-tempered and focus extra hard on your other positive communication strategies. And take lots of breaks!

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