Sexless relationship help: Possible or should you move on?

There are so many reasons a couple might be looking for sexless relationship help.  Desire discrepancies, low sex drive, health issues, depression and many other factors contribute to how healthy your sex life feels.  If you find yourself in a sexless relationship or headed for marital problems, how do you know if you should stick it out and work on the relationship or if it’s time to move on?  While there is no out of the box solution to this problem there are a few things to look for when trying to answer this question.

sexless relationship
Stuck in a sexless relationship?

1. Do you and your partner have good communication skills?

If the answer to this question is no, but we are both willing to learn then there is hope for you to grow together.  Relationship skills are not taught in school, we are most often products of what we witnessed from our environment growing up.  Learning new skills is possible, help can come in the form of a therapist, counselor, online relationship help or marriage help books.

If the answer is no and you (or your partner) are not willing to learn new skills then you may be at a crossroads. One partner learning relationship skills can influence your relationship and there can be some progress.  Turning a sexless relationship into a sexually satisfying one will likely require both partners participation in gaining communication skills and finding the help you need to talk through the problem and create a win win solution.

2. Are you attracted to your partner?

An assumption is often made that if you are in a romantic relationship with your partner you are physically attracted to them.  This may not always be true though.  It may be that at one point you were attracted to your partner and for any number of reasons that attraction waned. It may be that physical changes to your partners appearance have dimmed your attraction.  It is also possible that a lack of positivity, emotional connection and too much anger and resentment have diminished your physical attraction to your partner.  In addition, self care sometimes goes by the way side when you are in a long term, committed relationship. Feeling healthy and attractive will be attractive to your partner. Sometimes it’s all about changing your mindset, you can even practice feeling sexy and desirable.  In addition, couples who engage in physical activity together tend to do better with health goals and stay connected.

3. Can you identify the problem causing your sexless relationship?

Figuring out which of the various reasons you have found yourself in a sexless relationship can be tricky.  A sexless marriage help checklist can help you figure out what is causing the inhibition and can set you on a course to reconnecting. Can you determine from the following list where the problem lies.

The Sexless Marriage Help Checklist

Category A: Informational inhibitions

  • Negative messages received about sex as a youth
  • A lack of clarity about how to initiate sex
  • A lack of knowledge about mild practical difficulties regarding sustaining erections, stimulating or increasing lubrication, or compensating for age-related sexual retardation
  • A need for more information about cultivating emotional intimacy
  • An underestimation of the importance of sexual activity in marriage
  • The mistaken belief that arousal should precede sexual activity (in fact, arousal is often a response to sexual activity rather than a precursor)

Category B: Physical inhibitions

  • Vulvar pain syndromes
  • Prostate difficulties
  • Back pain
  • Chronic physical discomforts (headaches, stomach difficulties, etc.)
  • Excessive work demands leaving no time for sex
  • Fragile or friable vaginal tissues from low levels of estrogen
  • Heart-attack post-event fears
  • Fatigue from too much work and not enough rest

Category C: Emotional inhibitions

  • Inhibitions about being sexual stemming from earlier trauma or abuse
  • Withholding of sex because of negative interactions, retribution, or power issues
  • Fears of potential rejection
  • Concerns about gender identity or homosexual impulses
  • Feelings of depression, which can inhibit desire
  • Body image disturbances (resulting in feeling unattractive)
  • Attraction difficulties toward spouse

Category D: Alternative outlets

  • Pornography
  • Masturbation
  • Affairs
  • Sportsaholic
  • Workaholic
  • Alcoholic

In order for progress to be made, one and preferably both partners will need to learn how to communicate with your spouse. A sexless relationship is only a deal breaker if no one is willing to work on the problem.